How selfish am i....

when i was thinking of dooing other things with my computer,
suddenly this stucks me..."she" pop out in my mind...
after i dump her...her life become a mess compared to last time...today,
I read her blog..its all baout our pass and presents,
i really am damn shit and selfish...
i left her....because i thought that was the way things are...
but when i read her blog..i finally know how it feels like to loss some body that you love...
and plan to get married with...
it started two years...
it when good at first but later on...
my love for her turns to an intention of getting not lonely and the love that she provide....
i take it for granted, without realising the feeling that she had for me...
every promise that i gave was a lie with a motive....
in order to get her to notice me i lied...
in order to get more love i lied again...
and lying kills....in order not to let people know what sin have we done to God or to people...
I lied....
white lies,
black lies...
whatever lies is a sin...and God cannot tolerate sin...
Back to my selfishness....
i doesn't care how she fells but I just want to reach my motive...
Many times i hate myself...
i hate myself for being not good enough...
not perfect enough to care or to take care of someone that i love or things that i ought to achive...
theres is this incident,
where,i say alot of good words and things that make that person fell more comfortable being with me...and all of that is Bullshit, its fake...i hate myself....
Its useless to say sorry if it has occured...
for that i cannot forgive myself...until now....
I'm still lying....
lying...
and lying....